just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize