I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
