if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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