Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
