If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have post one night stand depression
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