I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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