I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
