Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
