So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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