Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
