I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
