I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
