Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
