I'm really into asian looking animals
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
