She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
