she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I will pee on everything he values.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
