doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
