I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
