I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
