tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
