Please, let me fuck your mom
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
