True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
