Cold hands, warm shart.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
