she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
