There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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