you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
