she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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