my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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