A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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