dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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