John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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