Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
