I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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