so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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