I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
