I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
