As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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