Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
