She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
