It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
