True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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