I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
