I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
