WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
