Can Purell be used as lube?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
