is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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