so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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