i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
