He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
