Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
