Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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