My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
