We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
