i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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