I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
