also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
