don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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