We named our party play list daddy issues
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
