i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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