my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
