I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
