he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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